Helicopters and Free-Rangers
Dan Kunz
“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” Psalm 127: 3 The only problem is that they don’t come with an owner’s manual! Well, that’s not completely true. Among the many things that the Lord gives us in his Word is a lot of advice about parenting. Most of it is “big picture.” God encourages us to “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 That’s a big picture thing. Mark 12:31 “The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” Also a big picture thing. He doesn’t necessarily give us as much advice about the finer points of raising children. The Bible doesn’t say anything about potty-training, or first dates, or choosing a college. Many times, though, the larger life lessons from God help us with the smaller day-to-day issues.
The main thing to keep in mind about parenting (or grandparenting) is to be intentional, as much as possible, at least. Quite often, we end up raising our children the same way we were raised. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not really intentional, either. This came to light in two different ways, recently.
I stopped at my daughter’s house to ask for her advice about something (Did I just admit that?), and, during our discussion, I mentioned that it was nice to have my kids ask my advice occasionally. As parents, it makes us feel good to be respected for our opinion about different things. Her reply made me almost as proud as if she had asked my advice! She said, “You and Mom raised us to be independent and self-sufficient. That’s why we don’t ask for advice very often.” Touché! It’s a fine line between raising independent offspring and those who constantly need help.
The other recent experience came through a conversation on television. The discussion centered on “helicopter parenting” and “free range parenting.” Helicopter parents are overly involved in their children’s lives, even into young adulthood. Such parents inject themselves into almost everything, from their child’s clothing choices to the home they buy. Helicopter parents “hover” over their children making it difficult to learn independence and self-sufficiency. For example, it's not uncommon today for parents to move to the same town or area to which their children have moved. If all parties are okay with that (grandparents make good babysitters), fine. If not, that can be a problem. Free range parents go to the other extreme. They tend to treat their kids as “miniature adults”. Kids are not miniature adults! They pretty much have the same parts as adults, but they’re not fully developed – including their brains. Parents who abdicate the responsibility of raising their children to the children themselves, are probably going to end up with problems. Ironically, or maybe not so ironically, free range parents may have had helicopter parents themselves. They don’t want to constantly be looking over their children’s shoulders, so they remove themselves from the picture altogether.
The key, again, is to be intentional about parenting styles, goals, and decisions. That’s why any dating couple who is considering marriage needs to have that discussion early on. Waiting until you’re driving home from the hospital with a new passenger in the back seat is not nearly intentional enough! Even though God doesn’t give us a manual with every possible directive in it, he does provide “technical support” that is out of this world! Just reach out when you’re planning your next decision.